Lately I have been thinking a lot about changes. Big and little changes that I feel I need to try to make in my life to make my world a better place to be. I have had a super crappy attitude lately about some of the things in my life. I need to try to turn that negative feeling into something positive and productive. I need to try to work through my anger and find a happier place to be. The trouble is I have no idea how to do that. The anger is so all consuming that I can't even pretend to be happy when it hits. I just shut down, I close myself off and I sit and stew in my head about the injustice of the whole thing. But it has to change it is killing me inside and it is hurting my marriage and affecting every aspect of my life. But how? How do I change this. It isn't a completely me issue, it is a me versus someone else issue and I can only change me. How do I look past the hurt and the heart ache and the bad decisions and the kicks to the teeth and move on? No it is not me versus G, but that gets thrown into the mix when things get heated up.
I don't know if I can overcome but I have come to a point where I need to try for G to make things easier for everyone. I have spent sometime discussing this with a counselor and of course got the advise that I need to show some outward positive emotion towards this person to help heal the pain. That is sooo hard for me,that is like telling me I need to figure out how to walk on water. But I know that I have to try. I need to try to prove to G that 1)I can do this and 2) that I am not the problem.
I think that if I can make some positive changes in other aspects of my life that they will rub off and take hold of the rest of me and I can just be a happier person all around. Does that make sense? Could that possibly work? I am a really good advice giver, whether or not you want the advise is irrelevant. So I think I will take a big swallow of my own medicine, hitch up my big girl panties and take the plunge into unknown waters. I am hoping when I come up for air that I will be in a better place.
Some of the changes that I am going to attempt to make are really small but I think that there affects will be far reaching. I want to feel better about myself so I am scheduling a walk every day to give me a small bit of me time. Just a half and hour walk, I think, alone will renew my spirit, give me time to think and ponder and relax, as well as getting me out in the beautiful sunshine. Also I always clean my kitchen and do the dishes at night after dinner, but I always do them alone, I think that it is time for my family to buck up and help a little more. If they can pick up the dirty dishes from the other rooms of the house and bring them to me as well as taking care of any trash and cans that are sitting around it will save me a ton of time and then we can all have a more relaxing evening together. I don't think that either of those things are really very big, but I think they will have a huge impact on how I feel.
On to other notes of interest; my sister. She is struggling at the moment, and it breaks my heart that I can not fix her troubles. Last week it was me that was struggling and she gave me some much needed advice and now it is my turn. Let me start by telling you that my sister is a strong, independent, beautiful person.....with a problem. Mainly her family!lol well at least the girls in her house. My sister has 2 kids, her daughter is 19 and her son is 17 and she has a friend of her daughters also 19 living with them. And the girls are not helping to pull there weight in the house. She is having a hard time being a disciplinarian, she has always been close to her kids and they have gotten through well enough, until now. Now with one extra person in her house nothing seems to get done and she is at her wits ends. Working all day and coming home to teenagers on the couch asking what is for dinner? What is a mother to do? So my advise to her is to be the strong woman I know that she is. To take time every day for herself, to stop and smell the roses and to let those girls grow up and if she has to, to stop being the nice mom and start taking care of her needs. I know I sound harsh, but children need boundaries, whether they are 9 or 19 they need direction and our role as a parent is to give that to them. And if all else fails, come over to your sisters house and relax!
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